Let me know what you think :D - Acting criticism is also allowed! lel
Har, be prepared for a 20 year heavy Lorehammer crashing down ;)
Not sure, it sounds like a half way confession of a heretic, a story told by void sailor and the superstition of a normal citizen at the same time.
It seems to lack a bit of a red line with regards to the above,
I would recommend scripting it more precisely, like for example an Inquisitor who is currently investigating a case and records voice logs of what he encountered, possibly theorising for possible causes or likely results, then within that context the Chaos lore background would then be able to be presented in either the most horrific or seducing way, depending on how you want to play it :)you can also create some small video effects for the introduction to bind it more into the universe
As for the intro I would go classic simplistic approach such as used in the Warhammer 40K Space Marine Intro, where on sees (assuming) a cogitator display showing the communication between imperial authorities on how to deal with the issue at hand